


cause it was always a dream just to know you, sometimes I find I can hardly speak your name

by RHODONlTE



Category: ONF (Band), Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, Best Friends in Love, Drinking, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Lee Seungjun | J-Us's Slutty Red Shorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:00:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29940696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RHODONlTE/pseuds/RHODONlTE
Summary: it seems to be only seungjun and hyojin, always.
Relationships: Kim Hyojin & Lee Seungjun | J-Us, Kim Hyojin/Lee Seungjun | J-Us
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	cause it was always a dream just to know you, sometimes I find I can hardly speak your name

**Author's Note:**

> [title from turnover - diazepam]
> 
> good morning this is. something i wrote. english isnt my first language so i just pretend grammar doesnt exist❤️  
> part of this is inspired by hayley williams good grief so if u wanna cry listen to that pls.
> 
> will i ever write characters that arent mentally ill? i dont know either and youre not gonna find out reading this

They met in elementary school when hyojins plastic pyramid toy was taken away by a big scary kid and seungjun noticed his distress, shuffled over to hyojin and cut his own square shaped one into two triangles, handing one to hyojin.  
Hyojin looked at him with big eyes and then smiled, his tears already only forgotten streaks on his face.

-

In high school, they had been separated into different classes and although he tried not to, seungjun cried so much he couldn't eat or sleep and his parents begged the principal to let him into hyojins class.  
When he walked into the new room a few days later he didn't even mind the weird stares from the other students because he could only focus on hyojin and hyojin alone. 

-

Although they both have other friends, it still seems to be only seungjun and hyojin, always.

The two of them sitting on rough concrete stairs still warm from the sun, sharing lemonade and overlooking the summer soft meadows, the sounds of dogs barking, kids playing and the chirping of crickets buzzing in their ears.

It was always the two of them studying for tests together, drinking coffee in the loud bustling city, trying to be as quiet as possible when coming back home way after their curfew.

It's them riding bicycles or revising calculus together and eating sticky sweet strawberry ice cream from the shop around the corner. 

So when one crumbles, the other picks up the pieces. When seungjuns rabbit died hyojin held his hands and dug the grave and crafted a fragile cross out of grass straws and brittle twigs to pay condolences. 

When hyojin sat at his desk late at night, anxiously revising his history presentation, tired eyes illuminated by the biting LED lamp it was seungjun who softly knocked on his window and handed him selfcooked lasagna to cheer him up. The sauce was too salty and the pasta was still half hard but hyojin ignored all that looking only at seungjuns proud excited face.

So it's only natural that it would be the two of them sharing their first kiss, all nervous and unsure and hyojin starting to laugh because he accidentally knocked their teeth together.

It's all playful shoves and hushed whispers and accidental hand brushes, until it's not, and hyojin doesn't know anymore what they are but he just keeps kissing seungjun in all the sunny spots in the park, and that's that.

-

They ended up choosing the same university, because of course they would, and because it's the only plausible thing they move into a flat together and dance around the living room at 5pm trying to concentrate enough to paint the walls, drinking peach tea on the floor as the sun goes down.

-

University is mostly smooth sailing, but sometimes the waves tip and they're both lost at sea. Sometimes hyojin wakes up in the middle of the night hearing hollow shuffling noises coming down from the kitchen so he checks to see and its seungjun sitting on the cold kitchen tiles, face only illuminated by the microwave clock that reads 3:06 am, looking like he's not quite there, so hyojin takes his hand and leads him back to bed, crawling under the blankets with him and he waits until the others shaking subsides before letting the sleep overtake him. 

-

They try to go through uni the best they can, but studying gets too much sometimes, so they let the storms rumble through the quiet of their flat until they know what to do or get lost in one of their friends house parties, dancing and drinking too much, swimming in the noise.

When hyojin throws up in a bush on the way home and seungjun pats his back and hands him a bottle of water, the acid sweet taste on his tongue is as sour as the thought of having to go to class the next day.  
The sun is long gone but the air still holds the weight of the soft rays of light and it feels like they're in some kind of pocket dimension in the way no one else is around and the wind feels heavy and the streets are just the right kind of dry. 

-

When seungjun starts more restless than ever, hyojin stares and listens, giving him more pillows and blankets and holding him when he wants to. Hyojin tries to help seungjun go to bed earlier because when he gets anxious, he forgets sleep, doing too much to avoid doing nothing.

He cant stop seungjun from pacing through their flat at night, revising facts and numbers and breathing too quickly, but hyojin still tries to hold him inbetween the door frames, to get him to linger more.

-

One day they are invited to hwitaeks house because one of his friends, hyunggu is celebrating his birthday, and since they're at his place almost every weekend anyways, of course they go.

Hyojin sits in the uber nervously fiddling with his silk sleeves and seungjun leans into him, covering his hand with his own, trying to get him to still. 

“Awh hyojinnie what are you so nervous about, you know hwitaek loves you.”, seungjun chirps, cheeks already painted pink from the bottle of wine they shared in their apartment earlier. 

“Yeah but it's not really his party, so i don't know who's gonna be there. I don't know this hyunggu kid anyway, so i dont wanna ruin his birthday by showing up and being all awkward and weird an-”, his rambling is cut off by seungjuns soft lips above his own, expressing all the things he doesn't know how to say, but hyojin understands, he always does. 

They walk up to the house and it's already buzzing with people and music and they try to not get lost on their way to the living room, hands intertwined as a compass, looking for their friends. 

“Seungjunnnn-ah you made it”, hwitaek greets them, hair dark blue and wavy, his lips pulled into a loopy smile indicating the amount of alcohol he’d already consumed.

Hwitaek opens his arms for an awkward hug and seungjun closes it, asking where hyunggu has gone. 

“Oh the birthday boy? I think he went upstairs with shinwonnie and that might take a while so just make yourself at home here, he'll be down for sure”, hwitaek says with a bright smile and kind eyes, as always. 

„Could you not have worn any other pants?“, hyojin whines, but seungjun only twirls around grinning at him.  
„Why, are you jealous that my ass looks better than yours?“, he pulls the red shorts extra high so hyojin can see way too much of his thighs and he feels like someone turned up the heater in the living room, but ignores the comment. 

One of their friends, hongseok with the fluffy hair and soft voice, pours both of them drinks, getting their tastes right just from months of being perceptive and partying together.

“How have you never gotten a stroke drinking that much sugary juice and energy drink with vodka combined”, a voice says from behind hongseok, and a tall bleach blonde pops his head out. 

“It can't be that dangerous if hongseok hyung still mixes it for me”, seungjun sing songs with a glint in his eyes.  
“i wouldn't rely on that, he just makes everyone their favourite drinks, regardless of what's in it. One time shinwon hyung wanted a bloody mary with ginger and orange and he didn't even bat an eye”, the blonde continues and hyojin almost spits in his cup, more glad than ever that he just sticks to gin and tonic.

The room feels fuzzy and seungjun and hyojin dance around the living room, forgetting about their stressful day, just relishing in the music for a bit. After a while hyunggu does show up, hair ruffled and cheeks a bit more red than pure dancing could explain, but neither of them point it out and just shower him with birthday wishes and hugs.

The horizon is already brightening up by the time they make their way back home, seungjun buzzing with the kick from the alcohol and energy drink he insisted on drinking all throughout the night. 

-

It's 12 pm and hyojin and seungjun both have a break so they meet up at the cafeteria to have lunch together.  
The sunlight shines through the glass walls way too bright and it feels like the spring is so much more vibrant, the windows acting as some sort of nostalgic magnifying glass.  
They get their lunch and go outside to catch some fresh air, a much needed change to the stuffy lecture halls and crowded rooms they spend their days in.  
Time often moves too fast for hyojin, like reality is some kind of tilt shift but the way the concrete reflects the flare back so they can barely see where they're going has him feeling so real it almost makes him trip over his feet. 

He and seungjun spot their friend changyoon sprawled out on the dry meadow on campus and sit down next to him, hyojin still kind of spaced out and stiff while seunjun just drops his bag and almost his plate, lying down next to changyoon. 

They sit up and complain about their assignments together while the wind dances around them and birds fly by.  
Seungjuns hands tremble slightly in unison with the leaves and he avoids hyojins stare.

The day ends just as sunny and lovely as it started, with both of them cuddled up on the couch catching up on their favorite show, but hyojin takes note of every overly nervous gesture seungjun makes, of all his anxious frantic energy he gives off, and tries to think of ways to make it easier.  
As midterms approach seungjun turns into a mess more and more, switching sleep for study session, and showering for an hour or more, because he keeps shaking without getting warm.  
Hyojin is starting to think that seungun drinks more coffee than water and he always paces around, his footsteps turning into a metronome at night.  
Seungjun doubts petrify him and he tries to not be too moody and let his feelings out on hyojin but it sometimes doesn’t work, when he just cant phrase his essay right and starts to cry and weakly hit hyojins chest as the other hugs him, and over time one of their beds is always empty. 

-

When the summer comes it always gets easier, the sun reminding them both that its okay, that every night is only the prelude to another morning and they walk by the river and watch families of ducks swim around. 

One time hyojin invites changyoon to make seungjuns favourite meal; soft tofu stew. Preparing the paste is a pain in the ass and hyojin is still cutting spring onions into tiny pieces when seungjun walks through the door.  
“Wow, I'm impressed”, he teases as he hangs up his coat. “I didn't know you could cut onions this well.”

“You've seen me cook, you know i can cut vegetables.” hyojin replies, caught off guard. 

“Yeah i just figured, with you spending so much time with changyoon hyung and stuff…”, he trails off as he hears a cough from behind the sofa,  
“I've heard that and i feel very offended. I can cut onions just fine”, changyoon pouts as he gets up to stir the ground pork.  
“You should be thankful that hyojin is making this exhausting fucking soup for your stupid ass”, he mutters while preparing more ingredients.  
Seungjun laughs and the sun lowers its rays through the window in a way that makes his eyelashes shine like honey and hyojin feels overwhelmed with love.  
In the end, the onions are cut just right and the stew tastes amazing, and changyoon nags seungjun about his cooking skills, trying to look serious but not being able to hide his smile.  
After the door closes and the night has settled its hyojin and seungjun, as always, and seungjun eyes hyojin so tenderly he almost can't hold his gaze, can't believe someone would ever look at him that softly. 

It's them laughing on the sofa when seungjun forces hyojin to watch another terrible alien movie and hyojin keeps making fun of the plot, its them trying to make microwave popcorn in a frying pan and seungjun flinching away screaming as the corn flies at him uncontrollably. 

The sun creeps into their room slowly and shines directly into hyojins eye, whispering him awake. He's disoriented for a second before realizing seungjun had hazed him into sleeping in his bed that's right in the direction of the rising sun. He nags seungjun until the other is stirring under the covers, sleep still heavy in his eyes and they have shitty leftover popcorn from the evening before. 

“You know if you had repaired the microwave, we wouldn't have to pick the popcorn out of the carpet now”, seungjun mock-pouts and pops a piece in his mouth. Hyojin laughs and shoves him playfully.  
“Well if you would have just bought a bag at the store like a normal person, we wouldn't have this problem in the first place”, he counters and seungjun laughs, voice still raspy but bright nonetheless and its so _him _hyojin wants to lock that sound away in his heart forever.  
“Time to go”, seungjun looks at the clock before jumping off the chair and tying his beat up vans in a hurry.  
“i'm gonna ace this photography test”, he beams,“and then i‘m gonna buy a normal bag of popcorn.“  
He places a brief kiss on hyojins lips and his heart wants to burst as he tries to return it as lovingly as seungjun started it, even though he never figured out quite how to do it. __

__

__It‘s the two of them, it always was, so when hyojin gets the call that seungjun had had an unexpected heart attack, it feels like half the world has just disappeared from underneath his feet._ _

__Hyojin feels as though nothing is real anymore, like there's a layer of grief between him and everything else that pushes him down into the sheets of his empty bed and makes it unable to get up. He tried to write a eulogy, he really did, but he only managed to write down “dear seungjun”, before the pen became so heavy he couldn't hold it up anymore and had to sleep for what felt like 4 straight days.  
If jaeyoung and changyoon hadn’t literally dragged him up to his feet to wash his hair and face and dressed him in coal black from head to toe he wouldn't even have gone to the funeral._ _

__He just sat numbly on the plastic chair and hugged seungjuns parents, trying to disappear into their arms and making them disappear in return, so they could be alone in their grief._ _

__He briefly wonders if he has unlearned the korean language because every condolence the people tell him seems to bounce off of him like he had some kind of physical language barrier built around him.  
The days blur together sleeping on the hard wood floor and hyojin almost forgot the sun existed when they leave the hospital._ _

__He visits a church to light a candle for seungjun but he lights 10 instead to make sure seungjun arrives wherever he’s supposed to.  
The sun shines through the dusty windows of the cathedral in almost a mocking manner, because hyojin can only think about how beautiful seungjun would have found the way the light turned from yellow to blue to red, and how he would never get to see it. _ _

__

__-_ _

__Hyojin feels foreign in everything he does, feels like a stranger in a future seungjun doesnt exist in anymore. Everything is like clockwork to him, but he's only a rusty cog that stopped turning so now he's being dragged along at every ragged edge, wearing him down until he loses his grip._ _

__Where seungjuns presence made everything a shade more saturated, made noises seem more vibrant and real, his absence leaves everything dull and muted.  
Hyojin feels like the days are running through his hands like water, like everything has become a blur around him and it takes every ounce of energy he has to drag himself out of bed to get to his classes, and that's only to not disappoint seungjun who had been so excited for them graduating, and to non verbally tell his friends that he's doing okay, even though he's as far from that as he was when he got that first call. _ _

__-_ _

__He starts to write letters to seungjun, so he can send them off in a bottle and hope they would reach seungjun where he was, because the two of them had always talked about how no matter what, they would find their way to each other, how if they were on different continents and sent the other one bottled post it would end up at his feet right on the shore._ _

__“Dear seungjun,  
I miss you like the moon misses the sun every night when they change places, only that I know you're not here anymore. I packed up your stuff and found a stack of papers clipped together, and on the first page you wrote a poem to me. It said_ _

__“the sunlight runs through a crack  
i see you shift  
and smile.  
while you sleep your fears away  
i watch you “_ _

__When i read it i cried so hard i felt like i was suffocating and i punched the wall until my hands were bleeding and it felt like i had turned the pain into something useful._ _

__I hate everyone in the whole world because i'm only here to love you and i miss you terribly. Im sorry.“_ _

__

__It‘s like when seungjuns heart stopped, hyojins started to beat twice as fast, and oftentimes he can feel it heavy in his chest until he loses his breath and the room spins. His anxiety never manifested into panic attacks but now they just happen and hyojin feels even more helpless._ _

__The blinds in the flat are down, because hyojin doesn't want to let the sunlight in, he can't bear to look at anything beautiful when he can't share it with seungjun.  
He doesn't eat unless someone comes around or his stomach feels like it's gnawing on itself and he faints on the bathroom floor.  
After 3 weeks, jaeyoung brings a sleeping bag and toiletries and starts to sleep on hyojins couch, and he cooks him soup and holds him through the night terrors even though hyojin wished he was alone in his misery. _ _

__

__“Dear seungjun,  
Today jaeyoung yelled at me and pushed me into the cabinet because i just can't seem to hold a proper conversation. I think he misses you terribly too.  
the cabinet shattered and it was weird to see my own blood, to have actual proof that i‘m still alive.  
Everything is sad without you around jun. It's like even the birds are grieving, and the sun is only shining at half its capacity.  
I miss you playing the guitar. Can you play it for me one more time? I swear i´ll listen.”_ _

__

__Hyojin never signs his letters, because he knows seungjun would know they're from him.  
He feels worse with each passing day. Thinking about the times seungjun would tell him his worries and he didn't listen as intently as he should have, when he played his songs and although hyojin relished in the sound, he often didn't hear it.  
He wishes seungjun would tell him his thoughts and sorrows one more time. And this time, hyojin would not try to take seungjuns worries away by talking about his own stories, to make the situation more relatable, but he would really listen to him. _ _

__-_ _

__„Dear seungjun,  
do you think that if i lit a candle in every church in the country, you would find your way back to me? I think i’m gonna buy some sunflowers for my room because i know that they‘re gonna turn towards you. i miss you“_ _

__

__Hyojin buys two sunflowers, the prettiest ones he can find and puts them in the kitchen, waiting for them to show him where seungjun is, but they only face each other, because theres no light in the apartment. It reminds hyojin of how he had always turned towards seungjun._ _

__

__„Dear seungjun,  
the flowers looked so sad so i took them outside and planted them in the garden. I hope they can grow and spread the love i have for you with their leaves. I hope i can grow too.“_ _

__

__-_ _

__

__“Dear seungjun,  
Even though he doesn't want me to see, jaeyoung cries a lot. I didn't know you two were so close and it makes me feel insane to think about everything you experienced without me. That sounds even worse and i don't mean it in a bad way, i just wish i knew everything of you. I finished packing up your stuff after two months, and it felt like I was giving away pieces of me.  
It was unbearable to even step foot through your doorway but I brought a box of old photos and your paintings over to your parents house and we cried and they thanked me. I don't know if that should make me sad or proud. I love you. I wish i told you that as often as i thought about it. I miss you so much.”_ _

__-_ _

__Hyojin tries to not completely fall apart, tries to tell himself that seungjun wouldn't want him to be consumed by his own grief, but it feels like an impossible thing to do.  
He graduates and the only thing he can focus on is the space beside him where seungjun is not standing next to him, the way the speaker doesn't read out lee seungjun when everyone is getting their grade papers, and how the sun is shining in a warm and fresh june glow, but it still feels like december to hyojin. _ _

__He moved in with jaeyoung because he couldn't stand the open door of seungjuns room, the way his bedsheets were still crumbled up from the morning he left for the last time, the drawing that lay forever unfinished on his desk._ _

__

__„dear seungjun,_ _

__i dropped off the keys of our apartment today because i moved in with jaeyoung. I try to go out a lot and actually do things, because I'm trying to live double the life now, to do things you didn't get to do and hope that you can see it from somewhere and be by my side through it.  
i dont cry a lot these days, my sadness has moved to the state where I often forget you're not just doing a grocery run, where I think i´ll talk to you in a few hours. I was looking through your clothes too see what i should give away and what i should keep to carry with me as a physical reminder through life. I couldnt find those stupid red shorts you loved so much and cried for hours. Did you wear them on that day? I hope you're happy where you are. I bet you dont miss how i would always let my stupid demons rumagge through our flat and display them so shamelessly. I'm sorry I put you through all that. I miss your laugh”. _ _

__

__Hyojin tries to recreate the songs seungjun used to play on the guitar or keyboard because he always forgot to write down any chords, but hyojin can never get them quite right.  
Sometimes hyojin feels like he's only a silhouette ravaged by grief and anger, he can't understand why someone would take away such a bright soul, why fate would decide to let the one person leave that made the earth beautiful.  
When the wind brushes through the grass it feels slowed down, when hyojin opens the blinds it feels like there's another layer, and he blames it all on seungjuns absence._ _

__

__“Dear seungjun,  
Hwitaek hyung visited today and brought your red shorts. He said he found them in a drawer and forgot you left them there. He was so sorry and it made me feel worse and even though i tried to tell him it was okay i just yelled at him until he hugged me and held me while i screamed about you. It's been so long but a lot of times it still feels like the first week.”_ _

__-_ _

__Hoyjin starts to go hiking, and drags anyone who will follow along; jaeoyung, changyoon, hwitaek, even that hyunggu kid he met so long ago, they are all willing to at least join him once, to wander and get lost amongst the willows and pines swaying in the evening breeze.  
No one knows if hyojin is trying to outrun thoughts of seungjun that seem to keep haunting him or if he's just trying to see double the world now that he's carrying two more eyes with him. _ _

__-_ _

__“Dear seungjun,  
I don't know how i am ever going to truly accept that you are gone, not when i have to bear the knowledge that you are never coming back. That i have my whole life ahead of me and you won't be there for any of it. I wonder if this is how the movie characters feel when the audience has left and they're stuck in those picture frames forever.  
I miss you.”_ _

__-_ _

__Contrary to hyojins belief, the sun still rises every morning, even though it still seems dulled down, even though his sun, the star he revolved around, had gone out.  
Sometimes he just wanders through the streets, stopping in the spots where they would admire the stars, and tries to find those same constellations again.  
It’s like he can trace seungjun through all the cracks in the concrete, every bus stop like a memory, their love so interwoven with the city they grew up in together.  
He wonders if there's now one more tiny orb shining in the sky, but then again, he never learned to read the stars.  
Other days he plays cards with jaeyoung, focusing on the way his deep voice reverberates in his chest, and tries to ignore the way he doesn’t make his heart flutter in the way seungjun did. _ _

__-_ _

__“Dear seungjun,  
I hate that the future is stretching out in front of me without you. That when you died, I had spent half my life with you, and that there will be a time where I will have spent half my life without you again. I hope you're resting easy.  
Do you remember all those times we walked home late at night and you got so excited whenever you discovered a new star constellation in the sky? I wish i had asked you about them more.”_ _

__-  
Hyojin keeps hiking, walking through the seasons, and even though every step is taking him farther away from seungjun, they get him closer to being at ease, and he knows that's what seungjun would want for him._ _

__“Dear seungjun,  
I'm starting to think that hwitaek hyung was in love with you. He is visiting a lot these days, looking for someone who will talk to him about you, and although i feel jealous it's still good to talk to someone. This also made me realize that I don't think I can ever love anyone the way I loved you. Sure, someone's smile might be pretty, and i have kissed several people in the past few years, but nothing could ever compare to anything i felt with you. You were the boy with the sunlight smile, with the molten amber eyes and my heart is still with you.  
For now I'm fine with being alone and searching for you in every face I meet, even though I know you would want me to be in love again.  
For now i am trying to learn how to love the world again.“_ _

__

___It's been years, and over time, the leaves start to look green again to hyojin. He can smile about the chirping birds again, and even though he sits on the same sun warmed stairs every summer, by now he can smile about it.  
He was never religious but it still feels like there's a soft presence next to him on those warm summer days. He hears seungjuns laugh in every rustling of wind through soft leaves, catches the gleaming of his eyes in every dew drop, and even though there's still part of the world missing, he feels like he can carry all the moments he had with seungjun safely locked away in his heart.  
He sits on the concrete stairs, two cans of lemonade next to him, and the sun is warm, and he looks at the bicycles moving by and hears the dogs barking and it feels okay._

**Author's Note:**

> i have no excuse why i wrote this but shared sorrow is half the sorrow right. pls tell me what you think 🧊


End file.
